Void

It is coming up on a year since I got that phone call from my younger brother telling me that my dad had died. It was March 13th, a day that I will always remember. It was a Saturday and I had to work which was becoming the norm for the project I was on. We were behind schedule and so this was an attempt to make up some time. During that day I kept getting this feeling that I needed to go to Amarillo and pick up my suits that I had ordered and gotten tailored. I didn't know why but knew that I needed to. So when I got home I told Codi and she was ok with it and off I went tired and worn out from a long week. As I was almost to my destination my phone rang and it was Jonathan..."I have some bad news...dad died."

Those words have stuck with me for a year now and it has been pretty hard to imagine. Growing up my parents divorced when I was 5 and my dad was on the road a lot working construction. After the divorce we didn't get to see him a lot and by the time I was 7 we didn't get to see him at all. It wasn't until my teen years that I was able to find my dad and reconnect. He wasn't the same person I remembered because of some life choices he made, however, he was still my dad and I loved him no matter what.

I can remember the first time I took Codi to meet him and the house he was living in was kind of scary, but when I saw him he knew who I was and embraced me with open arms. I continued to tell me he loved me and how he wished he could have been there more for me. He never spoke ill of my mother and would not allow me to do likewise. Everytime I would see him he would try his hardest to straighten up a little, be a little taller and try not to indulge in the demon that raked his body. But he would have to have a drink, and he would apologize for it.

My dad loved me so much and when he was admitted to the hospital the first time in late September of '09 and we didn't know if he would make it he knew who I was when I walked into that ICU room. He was being detoxed and experiencing the worst tremors anyone could imagine. I was told by the nurse that he didn't recognize people and would become violent. When he saw me and I said Hey dad, how are you feeling...he said Coby I love you and am sorry you have to see me like this. He would come in and out of sleep for the rest of the night but when he would be awake we would talk. He wanted to hear about his grandkids and how he hoped he would ge to see them. That week was a trying week as he was moved to a VA hospital and detoxed some more, but I also had to set up the medical power of attorney and start making arrangements for when he would eventually pass away. The doctor told me he would likely have 6 months to 3 years to live. Not something you would like to hear but knowing the battle he was facing it was reality.

I was able to take the family back to Moberly and see him one final time at Thanksgiving. My kids got to meet and see their Grandpa Ray. They still talk about that time at his house and I hope they never forget him. He was so happy to see his grandkids and Codi and I as we were happy to see him again. I later found out that on the following Monday he was admitted to the hospital again for about a week. Things were starting to not look good, but I held out hope.

On March 13th my dad passed away quitely in his home with his friends around him. He always seemed to have friends around, many people loved him and he would love them back. He was a very caring and compassionate man. Unfortunately on March 17th we buried him with a proper military funeral. The following six weeks were difficult for me as I was in a haze and couldn't quite get out of it. Eventually real life kept creeping in and took over my thoughts and I was getting better. But these last two to three weeks have been a very difficult one for me. I feel a big void in my life. I am not able to sleep and I want to scream out, cry and be angry all at the same time. I have never felt this way before and it really bothers me. I don't know what I can do to fix this pain I feel inside. I have recently resorted to sleeping pills to help me, but I don't know if they we help much.

There is a void that I carry with me and love that I am missing in my life right now. A love that a father has for his son, one that I know very well as I have that love for my boys. I truly miss my dad and know that he is looking out over me as I can feel his love, but it hurts inside knowing he is gone.

My he rest in peace...Charles Raymond Long March 13th, 2010. I love you dad!

Love at Home

It has been several months since our blog has been updated and some may think we have fallen off the earth after our move back to Katy. Let this be proof we are still alive and kickin'.

This past week Codi has been at her mom's helping her with a quilt show that her guild has been putting on for several years. This gave me the opportunity to stay home and take care of our kids while she was away. I don't get the chance to be home as much as we would like due to my new position, but when I am home I cherish the moments.

Wednesday Codi flew out and I took off work early to ensure that someone was home when the kids got off the bus and to pick Gavin up from a neighbor's house. Everything went really well and smooth. Codi made it safely and everyone was still alive the next morning...Yeah me, I can be trusted with the kids :D

As this week/weekend has gone on there has been an underlying them I keep thinking of and that is "Love at Home." Why...when we all got home on Wednesday Codi had left all of us a treat with notes on them and they showed us she loved us. As I made Gavin's lunch on Thursday I remembered how Codi would write little notes in our lunchs to show us she was thinking of us and how much she loved us.

Each night as we would kneel for family prayers whoever was praying would always pray for Codi and her safety. As I would tuck the kids in and give them hugs and kisses each one would seem to hug me a little tighter or give me a more meaningful kiss on the cheek. I don't know if this is because Codi is gone or because I am home, either way it warmed my heart. I love my family very much and appreciate all Codi does for us to keep this house running as such a well oiled machine. I can't quite fill her shoes but there is one thing I know while she is gone is her love for us is always here.

There is such a feeling of love in our home and I hope friends and family notice it when they are visiting. We may not always get along with each other, but at the end of the day we always love each other. Whether it be by saying it, hugging tighter or showing it in other ways...there is always Love at Home.